Normally, if a man stands inches away from my face, looking like 90s fashion vomited all over his clothes, screaming at me to give it to him, I'd call security. But when the man is Ranveer Singh, it's another story. The makers of the hugely popular Durex advertisement probably want to believe women all over India are self-orgasming into a hysterical, quivering pile of satisfaction because, you know, Do The Rex.
I'm not saying it isn't a catchy theme, Singh rapping to lyrics he's reportedly written himself, some with definite dual meaning unless I am reading too much into "Baarish ko girne do, khudko main rok hi na paata, galiyon mein firne do, haath mein leke khuhiyon ka chhata".
For a film star, a condom ad is always a good thing to sign up for - it sends a great message to young fans to have safe sex and makes him look sensual and edgy in real life, inadvertently adding a dimension to his screen image as well.
But isn't sex in 2014 as much about a man wanting it, needing it, demanding it even, as it is about the woman taking the lead in the bed and teaching the man a thing or two?
This is how the ad plays out. Ranveer is the guy falling back on his side of the bed exhausted after what clearly seems like a mind-blowing session of sex. He's the cocky 'dude' at the nightclub taking off his clothes before you could say the word 'rex', pretend-butt-slapping twerking women and checking his reflection in a car mirror and gasping at how handsome he looks. He moves on the dance floor like that guy in college everyone knew wouldn't ever get laid.
I keep imagining how great this ad, with its foot-tapping music, amusing lyrics and Ranveer's utterly stunning screen personality be, with a woman (preferably a Bollywood A-lister) playing the lead instead of just waiting for the man to give it to her.
It's not that Indian condom ads haven't been made with women playing the dominant roles in them. Some of them are actually quite provocative. But the moment a Bollywood A-lister comes on board, the focus shifts to making him the star of the ad. He is seen dancing his way through a throng of women wanting his autograph.
Women sing 'that was good, it blew me away' to him prompting 'hai na?' I get it. The man's good in bed. "Iss taale ki chabi ko tu jeb mein rakh, kya pata kab khul jai tera luck" is a direct reference to his life off screen. Ranveer said in an interview that he always carries a condom in his wallet.
Women giving him wistful looks, women wanting a piece of him, women waiting in line just to touch him, women dancing around him - this ad really goes all out to refurbish the traditional image of a good-looking, unstoppable man in heat proudly wearing his conquests on his sleeve.
Sex isn't all about the man. Sex isn't always great. Sex isn't even about how good they look. Or how well they dance. Sex in reality is often rushed. t's Ok if you aren't making sex a huge deal by trying to emulate film clips on the Internet or being constantly pressured by commercials 'To Have Fun'.
Where's the condom ad for normal, bloated, bored women with no nights out, kids and very little time and energy to 'Do The Rex'?