Masand's Verdict: Namastey London

PREDICTABLE FARE: Namastey London is too long for a story that's too familiar to begin with.

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In this week's big, new Bollywood release, director Vipul Shah's Namastey London, Katrina Kaif plays an Indian girl born and raised in the UK, who's turned out to be something of an enfant terrible who guzzles vodka like it's water, dresses in micro-minis under her salwar-kameez, and frightens away prospective grooms by telling them false stories about her promiscuity.

But worse than all of this, and the reason her dad's having sleepless nights actually, is because she's seriously considering a marriage proposal from her white boyfriend, a cad who's already been married thrice in the past.

No wonder daddy dearest Rishi Kapoor whisks her off to good ol' Bharat where after several failed attempts to find a suitable groom for his daughter, he finally coaxes her to tie the knot with the son of an old friend, a sort of small-town bumpkin Akshay Kumar, who's already fallen head over heels in love with his peaches-and-cream complexioned wife.

Promising to consummate their marriage back in London, Katrina brings Akshay home, but only to reveal to him and to her parents that this shaadi was all a sham, and her heart still beats only for her gora boyfriend. Shaken, but not entirely defeated, Akshay decides he's going to stay on and win her back with love.

I can bet my last pay-cheque that the one thought that came to your head while you heard me narrate the film's plot is: 'Hey, haven't I heard this story before?'

Well, yes, you have and several times over actually. It's clear, straight off the bat, that Namastey London is a been-there-seen-that story inspired from a variety of films including Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam to name just two.

Look, the one thing that a film must have in order to hold your interest, is unpredictability. It's very unlikely that you're going to enjoy a film if you know exactly how it's going to turn out in the end.

But let's face it, unpredictability of plot is something that very few Hindi films can boast of. In which case, when you do know what direction a film is going in, when you do know what's going to happen at the end of the film, the only thing that is likely to keep you entertained, is the manner in which the filmmaker or the writers arrive at that ending.

You know the beginning, you know the end - now can they make the middle so interesting and so unique that you're willing to stay with the film even though you know where it's all leading upto?

The same is true of Namastey London. It's a Hindi film, you know Akshay Kumar is going to melt Katrina's heart in the end, now we just need to know how he does it.