State of the Nation: Morality and Indian woman's mind

TOO MANY OPTIONS: Sexual desire is no scandal but live-in relationship is no, no for Indian women.

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Who is the Indian woman? What image does the nation have of her?

The CNN-IBN-CSDS-Indian Express State of the Nation Survey busts several myths about the Indian woman.

The Indian woman is either portrayed as a meek sati-savitri or as Durga, the irrepressible rebel. The truth is much more complex.

Women believe that their role should not be restricted to staying at home and looking after the family. As many as 77 of urban women and 69 of rural women support the proposition that there is nothing wrong in them going out and working, the survey found.

But the stereotype that men are generally more intelligent than women is accepted by a large number of women, says the survey.

When asked to react to the question that there is nothing wrong for women to have sexual desires, 50 percent were in favour. The ratio is of course higher among young metropolitan women, but no section displays a dominance of Victorian prudishness, says the survey. But 86 percent of women don’t support the idea of live-in relationship.

What do such views tell about the Indian woman? CNN-IBN’s Senior Editor Sagarika Ghose asked this to Poornima Advani, lawyer and former chairperson of the National Commission for Women, ad guru Prahlad Kakkar, Shefalee Vasudev, editor of Marie Claire India, and writer Abha Dawesar.

Does survey indicate that women consider marriage a ‘freeing mechanism’? The answer is yes but there is a catch to it, said Vasudev.

“This agenda of liberation that women have—which has come with financial freedom and changing roles—has made them prisoners of war in confines of morality. They want to free out of that. A prisoner of war is good only when he is free. I am not sure if the survey indicates that (women believe) marriage is a freer of women and live-in relationship enslaves them,” said Vasudev.

If marriage is ‘the’ institution for women, does it explain their views on sex?

Kakkar said India is a conservative society but women decide the country’s morality. “Society is very, very favoured toward men but (it’s morality) is implemented by women. It is not a male-dominated but a male-scripted society. People who actually implement moral issues very vociferously are women,” said Kakkar.

Advani disagreed that women set the moral agenda. “The finding that only 6 percent women approve of live-in relationship shows that we value our family system. This shows we think that very basis of our social fabric is the family unit,” she said.

Vasudev saw no correlation between pre-martial sex and marriage. “Financial independence is changing women’s choices. Morality works when it is a voluntary choice—when it is enforced, the enforcer is amoral,” she said.

Caste, religion and marriage

Forty six per cent women support a ban on inter-caste marriage while 50 per cent women support a ban on inter-religious marriages. Is that a very orthodox conservative women that we are seeing emerging in the 21st century where we are not questioning family, we are not questioning inter-religious marriage, we prefer caste marriage - so there is no ideological rebellion left at all in the Indian women.

Replying to the question Advani said, “Talking about it myself personally I married to a Gujarati man and I see nothing wrong with an inter-caste marriage but I do see things not very comfortable with an inter-religious marriage. I would personally not be comfortable marrying a non-Hindu because I have been brought up in a Hindu family. But that’s a matter of personal choice. That’s a matter for an individual’s choice and best left to the individual.”

Vasudev was of the same opinion that the issue of inter-religion marriage is individual’s personal choice. Echoing the same view she said, “I would have to chose the religion there. The moral codes of the two religions’ are different definitely for women. If one tries to imagine one’s life as a Muslim woman after marriage I find it tough. I would not marry a Muslim man.”

However, Dawesar said that it depends on the religious value of couples, which will determine if they are ready for inter-religion marriage. If two people are not particularly religious and do not have those close religious ties in their social circle, they can probably go through it. Talking about her getting married to a religious man she said, “I will be uncomfortable with anyone of any religion including my own religion who is deeply religious because I am not religious.”

Women are saying we don’t want to marry outside our religion, we don’t want to marry outside our caste.

Kakkar opined,” I don’t know if they are modern. I am extremely tradition in my own value systems. But I believe that two individuals should be allowed to chose their life partners not on the basis of religion or because of the caste, but because they are compatible. They should rise above those interest and the marriage eventually is between two peoples - its not between the caste, its between the families because they don’t live in joint family anymore.”

Isn’t the Indian view of marriage much more pragmatic materialist one. It’s not necessarily about rebellion, emotional or romantic choices they are very pragmatic material choice.

“Despite all the material choices if you are unhappy in a marriage where there is no compatibility, then you are left in a life of completely boredom, ”Kakkar added.

Stereotypes changing?

Opinion about men and women is stereotyped to a large extent, but how do women feel about issues that are gender-defined in our society? 77 per cent women are for equal inheritance rights for both men and women while 74 per cent feel there's nothing wrong if a woman goes out to work and only 24 per cent women feel that a woman should not go in for higher education.

The Indian women is neither Sati-Savitri nor is she Durga.

Dawesar feels that Indian women are at very practical level struggling everyday to often earn a living, run the household - the domestic life of the Indian women dose not have any sense of equality. There are very few men who actually contribute to what she has to do at home. And on the other hand increasingly she has to contribute to the outside world. She is doing the best she can.

She is not a feminist in the western sense, not a feminist for the liberator for the cause - Indian feminism is about earning my daily bread and making myself economically independent.

Vasudev said, “Indian feminism is a very conflictual space. It has Sita, it has Marilyn Monroe, it has Durga and Sati-Savitri. There is an Indian modernity Indian feminism and its different from a global feminism or a global modernity and Indian women is negotiating certain spaces and withdrawing some.”

How difficult to be a lesbian Indian women living a single life in the metropolitan city. Would that be a very hard choice to make?

“I presume it’s a very hard choice to make. It’s a lesser of a hard choice to make for a women in a live-in relationship,” she replied.

Is it safe to be conservative, is it safe to live in the family, much more tough to be a rebel much more tough to question the rules by which women are forced to live.

Advani agreed to the statement and said that it’s extremely tough in the society to single away, to live in a live in relationship or to have a lesbian relationship. Its much more comfortable to live the conservative life.

“Don’t think that those who live in comfortable conservative family life are away from modernity. My thoughts on this are quite different. You can enjoy your romantic candle light dinner only if there is a comfort level at home. Otherwise it’s not going to be possible to enjoy anything outside,” she added.

Kakkar strongly disagreed to the statement. He said that most women who are trapped in a marriage of convenience are extremely unhappy.

“As a matter of fact if you actually ask your grandmother and your mother, if you are financially independent, if you are educated, if you have the courage to go out and do your own thing, would you actually last in the marriage depending on roles and how compatible you are with my father, and lot of them would turned around and would say may be I wasted my life.”